A Checklist For the Dying
What does it mean to “get your affairs in order”?
That’s what everyone says to do when you receive a terminal diagnosis. But getting your affairs in order means different things to different people. Not to mention the fact that when we hear this directive, we're usually feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's so much to do.
Most clients want a list of practical items they must address at the end of their lives. But what about emotional and spiritual tasks? That's why I created this comprehensive checklist for the dying.
A Dying Person’s To-Do List
I encourage my clients to consider interviewing hospice teams right away. Do this before you begin addressing a checklist or before symptoms become unmanageable. Too many hospice care teams are overworked and understaffed, so interview them before you feel physically uncomfortable.
Make sure you vibe with them and they have the kind of patient-centered service (nonprofit or for-profit, religious or secular) that matches you and your goals for care.
After that, you’ll also notice that you don’t need a diagnosis for many of these checklist items. Here are some specific things to do when preparing for death.
1. Learn About Your Illness or Disease
This is your experience, no one else’s. So get educated. Don’t rely on your doctors, nurses, or anyone else to tell you what’s happening in your body.
Ask questions and keep a notebook handy to write down every symptom as well as medical advice when you go to doctor’s visits. Do plenty of research on your own as well, not to argue with your doctors but to be prepared.
Know what to expect as your disease or condition gets worse.
Yes, it’s scary. However, much of that fear of the unknown goes away when my clients know. You too might feel empowered. Therefore, take some time, in the beginning, to fully comprehend physical, mental, and/or emotional changes to better prepare for them.
2. Be Patient With Yourself
You’re going to feel a variety of emotions as you respond to this new reality. Some days will be better than others, so put some plans in place for self-care. Contact a grief counselor for yourself and/or family members. Begin meditating or praying regularly to strengthen this effective coping skill.
Keep a journal. Consider psychedelics. Everyone is different, but everyone will have ups and downs.
If my clients are confined to a room, I bring in plants, pictures, candles, or anything that might provide them with comfort. Patience is easier to give when you're comfortable and in pleasant surroundings.
3. Determine Your Goals
Any checklist for the dying must include what you want to do with the rest of your life. Many of my clients have estranged loved ones and want to reach out to say, “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” or “I forgive you.”
Now is the time to consider what makes sense for you.
Perhaps you want to get married to the love of your life before you die. Maybe attend a granddaughter’s graduation? Figure out what you want to do and hire a death doula to see what goals are feasible and can be accomplished.
4. Choose Where You Want to Die
Consider your options and where you can comfortably die according to your own wishes. This might be at home, in a hospital or nursing home, or somewhere else entirely. This will be based on your condition and whether you want certain medical professionals on hand for whatever you might need.
Now is the time to make sure your chosen location is a viable option.
5. Talk it Out
Give some thought to your family and loved ones. How are they handling everything? Do they need therapy or a way to discuss their emotions? Make sure they have plenty of support to cope with what’s happening.
They may not know what to do or how to react. You also want them on board with whatever you’re deciding.
Some of my clients hold a family/loved ones meeting every week to go over what’s happening. They also talk about what’s changed and do a general vibe check. This is helpful for people who need to talk about what’s happening.
6. Create a Care Team
This includes people providing:
Hospice services
Emotional or spiritual support
Medical or palliative care
Help with household chores on a daily or weekly basis. (Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.)
Transportation to or from doctor’s appointments
Personal care such as haircuts, pedicures or manicures, waxing, shaving, etc.
Assistance with scheduling volunteers, visits, and medical care
7. Call an Attorney
Find out from a professional what you need to legally and financially protect your family and loved ones. Lawyers also help you create or update your will and estate paperwork.
This is also a good time to decide what you want to do with your pets and social media accounts after your death. And put it in writing.
8. Create Advance Directives
Additionally, put all your wishes about future healthcare in writing. This includes assigning someone to be a durable power of attorney or healthcare proxy.
Choose someone who will make medical decisions for you when you cannot. A person who will abide by your wishes rather than what other family members might want.
Directives also include a living will. Attorneys help, depending on where you live, with state or local regulations.
Be very clear about the treatments you want or don’t want at the end of your life. Consider making video testimonials explaining why you are choosing certain advance directives over other options.
Lastly, create a Do Not Resuscitate or Do Not Attempt Resuscitation order. Both you and your doctor will sign the DNR to make it official.
9. Consider Donation
Donating your organs and tissues is a profound way to give the gift of life. Research local medical schools or other places if you would like to make a whole-body donation. Include these instructions in your advance healthcare directives.
Declutter your home and consider giving loved ones, or a local charity, anything that doesn’t get thrown away.
Also, many obituaries include a line that says, “In lieu of flowers, please donate to…” What organization do you want people to donate to in your name?
10. Pre-Plan Your Funeral or Memorial Service
Contact at least three local funeral homes to compare prices. You have lots of options to consider. These choices include:
Cremation
Burial
A Wake
Embalming or Refrigeration
Home Funerals
Make arrangements ahead of time with a competent funeral director, including payment, to ensure your wishes are met and make things easier on mourning loved ones.
11. Begin a Legacy Project
Organize your most requested recipes, write out your life story, and send emails to your kids telling them everything you love about them. This fills your remaining days with meaning, and you’ll leave behind a wonderful gift to be treasured for generations to come.
12. Give Some Thought to Spiritual Matters
Sometimes, end-of-life is when we finally begin to think about our fears. There’s no putting it off any longer.
So, what scares you about dying?
Your medical team will handle physical discomfort, and you should begin those conversations. What about emotional or spiritual discomfort? Again, this is your experience, so think about what you need for support.
Would it be helpful to have a chaplain on your support team? What about a priest, rabbi, imam, or pastor?
If you belong to a particular house of worship, now would be a great time to include whoever might ease this kind of suffering. If you don’t belong to one, begin researching and asking around in your community for someone who might be able to provide spiritual assistance.
13. Make Every Moment Count
"Think of yourself as dead, you have lived your life. Now take what's left and live it properly." - Marcus Aurelius
Do what you want as often as possible. Listen to your favorite songs. Watch the sunrise or sunset. Hold hands with loved ones. Keep the windows open if you want to breathe fresh air. I often put my clients’ beds in a room where they can see the garden or people walking by on the street.
Listen to the birds if that fills you with peace.
Do whatever brings you joy and savor every pleasure. You may not have a great deal of time left; however, you can decide how to spend that time. And make it count.
Checklist for the Dying and Living
These are just ideas and, as always, you don’t have to be dying to get started on some of them. Our end of life is a more profound experience if we go into it prepared.
Do you have other items that should belong on this list? What other affairs should be put in order before death? Feel free to leave comments below or on my social media channels.
If you need help or want to delve into more details, sign up for my "Checklist for the Dying" course today. I'm also happy to meet with you or your loved ones anytime.