Coping with Loss During the Holidays

It doesn't matter what kind of grief you're experiencing, coping with loss is never easy. And navigating your way through the "happiest time of the year" only adds to the difficulty.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Las Posadas, New Year's—that's a lot. If you're mourning the loss of a job or loved one or dealing with grief of any kind, the following aspects of this holiday season might be particularly challenging this year.

Gatherings

Holidays often center around parties and celebrations that include family members and friends. For my clients who have lost someone special, these occasions serve as powerful reminders of their loved one's absence and the changes they’re experiencing as a result.

Cultural Expectations

Societal expectations during the holiday season tend to center around the joyful, grateful, and celebratory. If you’re grieving, these expectations create a sense of pressure to suppress or hide your emotions, intensifying the internal struggle.

It can also create a sense of isolation, as you may feel you don't fit in with the festive atmosphere.

Memories and Traditions

Many holiday traditions involve specific rituals, places, or activities. This triggers memories associated with the person who is no longer present, making the absence more palpable.

Social Comparisons

Seeing others enjoying holiday festivities with their loved ones can intensify feelings of separateness for my grieving clients and their inner circles. I often recommend that they take a break from social media if that's adding to their sadness.

Anniversary Effect

If the loss occurred around the holiday season or the individual's absence is more noticeable during this time, the anniversary effect contributes to heightened mourning. If you’re dealing with unresolved grief, the anniversary reaction can involve several days or even weeks of anxiety, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, or fear.

Changes in Routine

Holidays often bring changes in routines, which can be difficult if you’re grieving. The disruption of familiar patterns may accentuate feelings of loss and disorientation.

Financial Stress

The financial demands of the holiday season can add stress to an already challenging time. Mourning individuals may find it difficult to navigate the additional pressures associated with holiday expenses.

Holiday Grief Rituals

Engaging in grief rituals during the holidays can be a meaningful way for you to honor loved ones, acknowledge emotions, and find support. Here are some holiday rituals that my clients and I find helpful.

Memory Sharing

I encourage family and friends to share memories, stories, and anecdotes about the person who has passed away. This can be done during a designated time, such as a holiday meal or gathering.

Write letters, messages, or poems expressing your feelings and memories. These can be shared aloud or kept private.

Create a Memory Table or Shrine

We often set up a table or a small shrine with photos, mementos, and items that remind everyone of the person who is no longer present. This can serve as a focal point for remembrance.

So many times, people think it's in poor taste to talk about the dead. Most of my clients want to subtly let people know it's OK to talk about the person who died and share happy memories. A memory table or shrine can help signal guests to do just that.

Light a Memorial Candle

Light a Yahrzeit or special candle in memory of your loved one. This can be done at the holiday dinner table, with a special place setting or empty chair for this purpose, or during a quiet moment of reflection.

Include Their Favorites

Incorporate the deceased person's favorite foods, drinks, or holiday traditions into your celebrations. Make a special playlist with their favorite songs. This can be a way of keeping their spirit alive in the festivities.

Volunteer in Their Honor

My clients and I often engage in acts of kindness or volunteer work in memory of their loved ones. Did the person who died have a special cause or charity? Giving back to the community can be a positive and meaningful way to honor their legacy.

Release Lanterns

Release biodegradable sky lanterns with written messages to symbolize letting go and sending love to the departed. You can find paper lanterns and instructions from many online retailers along with ideas to safely enjoy this meaningful remembrance.

Attend a Memorial Service

Many of my clients attend a religious or spiritual service for the deceased. Requiem masses are an ongoing ritual for devout Catholics. You can also organize a secular memorial ceremony.

Clergy or celebrants acknowledge and honor shared grief within the context of the holiday season.

Create a Remembrance Ornament

Craft or purchase an ornament in memory of your loved one. This ornament can be hung on your Christmas tree each year as a symbol of their enduring presence.

Plant a Memorial Tree or Garden

Planting a tree or creating a memorial garden in honor of the person who has passed away can provide a lasting and tangible tribute. At this time of year, add lights or other holiday decorations. If your loved one is buried in a cemetery, you can do the same things for their grave.

Host a Grief Support

Arrange a gathering specifically for those who are grieving during the holidays. It’s an opportunity to share experiences, provide mutual support, and foster a sense of understanding.

Practice Self-Care

I encourage my clients and/or their loved ones to prioritize self-care during the holiday season. This might include taking quiet moments for reflection, seeking therapy or counseling, meditating, journeying with plant medicine, or engaging in activities that bring comfort.

Choose rituals that resonate with your own beliefs, culture, values, and preferences. Grief is a personal experience, and these rituals provide a framework for expressing emotions and finding connections during a challenging time.

The Price of Avoiding Grief

If you don’t process or address grief, it can have various emotional, physical, and mental health consequences. Here are some potential effects of not dealing with grief, during the holidays or any time of year.

Intense Emotional Distress

Unprocessed grief can lead to prolonged emotional distress, including intense sadness, anger, guilt, or feelings of emptiness. These emotions may become chronic and interfere with daily functioning.

This also contributes to or exacerbates mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder. You may consciously or unconsciously suppress your emotions, fearing their intensity, but this can result in emotional numbness and a disconnection from your feelings.

Complicated Grief

Emotions that are not processed may develop into complicated grief, a persistent and prolonged form of mourning that can make it challenging to adapt to life without the deceased. It often manifests as persistent yearning or preoccupation with the dead.

Physical Health Consequences

Chronic stress associated with unprocessed grief negatively impacts physical health. You could experience insomnia, fatigue, and headaches. Prolonged grief has also been associated with an increased risk of health problems such as cardiovascular issues and a weakened immune system, potentially leading to more serious health conditions.

Strained Relationships

If you don't address your emotions, you may struggle in many of your important relationships. This pain can affect communication, intimacy, and overall connection with others. Forming new relationships or connections is difficult, as the fear of loss creates emotional barriers.

Decreased Quality of Life

The weight of unresolved emotions can impact your overall quality of life, affecting your ability to find joy and meaning in daily activities. It can also affect your ability to concentrate, make decisions, and perform effectively at work.

Healthy and Unhealthy Grieving

Coping with loss during the holidays is a highly individual process, and people may express their grief in various ways. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to mourning, some behaviors and coping mechanisms are generally considered more adaptive and conducive to long-term well-being, while others are unhealthy.

Here are examples of both.

Communication

Healthy: Talking to friends, family, death doulas, or a counselor provides emotional support and helps individuals navigate their emotions.

Unhealthy: Withdrawing from social connections and rejecting support from others.

Emotions

Healthy: Allowing oneself to feel and express a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and even moments of joy or laughter.

Unhealthy: Suppressing or avoiding emotions and not allowing oneself to feel and express them.

Self-Care

Healthy: Taking care of one's physical and mental well-being through activities like exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep.

Unhealthy: Turning to alcohol, drugs, or other substances to numb the pain.

Making Meaning

Healthy: Establishing meaningful rituals or ceremonies to remember and honor the person who has passed away.

Unhealthy: Engaging in risky behaviors, such as reckless driving or excessive risk-taking, as a way to cope.

Community

Healthy: Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses by participating in grief support groups or communities.

Unhealthy: Ignoring or denying the reality of the loss through isolation.

Setting Boundaries

Healthy: Recognizing and communicating personal boundaries, especially during challenging times, to manage stress and avoid burnout.

Unhealthy: Keeping excessively busy to avoid confronting grief.

What Works Best for You?

When coping with loss, recognizing when additional support is needed and seeking help is vital. Do this before grieving becomes overwhelming or significantly impacts daily life.

This is especially true if you're navigating grief during the holidays.

Contact me at Anitya Doula Services for support at any time throughout the year.