How I Have Come to Accept Death
And you can, too.
Death is a universal experience. Shared by every living being, no matter your gender, political background, or species. As we live longer, we experience loss through others' deaths as well.
Yet, even as death is all around us, we rarely know what to do when it’s our time to die. A few folks go quickly, unexpectedly. But for many of us, death will not be quick or easy. Therefore, we should give some thought to how to accept death and deal with it, before a diagnosis.
As a practicing death doula and teacher, I want to share how I've made peace with this reality.
One Chance to Get it Right
Most of us will only die once, which means we don’t get any do-overs. That's a lot of pressure, but it's also an opportunity.
I travel all over the world with a mission to help people accept dying and death while they’re still very much alive. To do this effectively with others, I've had to do it myself first.
I must model the behavior and mindset.
I've seen and written about how fear of death, death anxiety, and death denial irreparably harm people. In my clients' final months or days, an unhealthy attachment to life at all costs damages them and leads to suffering.
Decades ago, I began to consider how to avoid this fate myself. Making sense of something that takes us by surprise while we're in the middle of it is almost impossible.
So I got proactive about ways to cope, ahead of time, with my eventual ending.
I read countless books written by philosophers and seekers. I engaged with therapists, clients, and teachers. I discovered many ways to accept that life will eventually end and that I will lose the people I love.
"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible." - Thich Nhat Hanh
This awareness allows me to focus on what matters. I do my best to make choices that lead to sustainable happiness and avoid choices that don't.
That's right! Thinking about my death has led to a better life.
I don’t how I’ll feel at the end of my days. But I can accept reality, and put a plan and support system in place to handle whatever comes my way.
Trust, Let Go, Be Open
Some of my clients have the temperament or cultural background to accept that we will die. Like me, they believe death is a part of life and accept it without anxiety. Others find the whole idea of death difficult to understand or impossible to accept.
I've even had clients worry that talking about death will hasten it.
Come on, now.
I remind them all the time that nothing is written in stone, certainly not our thoughts. We change and grow throughout the years, and our ideas change along with us. What was once difficult to accept can, with knowledge or a different mindset, become easier to accept as we age.
On an intellectual level, most people understand that talking about death won’t make it happen.
People avoid thinking about or discussing death because, deep down, it's too painful. We tend to push away our fears and anxiety. And then seem surprised when they keep coming back.
Often, I encourage my clients or students to sit with their fears. Get to know them. What are your anxieties trying to teach you?
When I'm worried about something difficult that I must do, it helps me to remember these three mantras:
Trust myself. I have everything I need to get through this.
Let go of expectations for the future and attachments to the past.
Be open to whatever it is I'm supposed to learn.
Nothing is ever as bad as we think it's going to be. Why would death be any different?
Consider Options
Many of my clients and students worry about physical suffering at the end of life. Fortunately, fear of physical pain is the easiest fear to alleviate, thanks to hospice.
Palliative care and hospice organizations provide an invaluable service designed to reduce physical pain and help someone get comfortable during the dying process. Experienced and compassionate medical teams use medicine to treat pain, encourage rest, and help with anxiety.
I don't want to physically suffer at the end of my life. Therefore, I plan to involve hospice early, so they can get ahead of whatever I might need. This is preferable to waiting until I'm in pain and then hospice has to scramble to get set up, assess my needs, and address my discomfort.
I've looked into different hospice organizations and know the ones that vibe with me, so I keep notes and information on them in a folder on my computer. Hopefully, I won't need these services for quite some time.
But I'm comforted to know what's out there when I do.
Choosing interventions, when they should start, and how long they’ll be used will depend on you. This is your experience. Not your partner’s, friend's, or loved one's. Therefore, know what you want and express those wishes early and often.
Reduce Emotional Suffering Now
Many people fear separation from loved ones. Much of that fear goes away when we make what I call the Five Essential Statements ahead of time.
Several times a year, I review my life and determine if I need to say:
I’m sorry
I forgive you
I love you
Thank you
Goodbye
This is a wonderful routine or ritual. Why wait until you’re dying to do it?
People tend to accept the end of life when they have fewer regrets. Saying I’m sorry to someone I’ve wronged and making meaningful amends profoundly heals me.
Telling those I love how much they mean to me and forgiving someone who’s hurt me makes my life, and hopefully my death, a more positive experience.
"Death is not an error, it's not a failure...it's taking off a tight shoe." - Ram Dass
You still may fear death. Getting over that fear takes work. I've found that daily mindfulness meditation helps. Religious people sometimes find comfort in letting go if they pray or say the rosary.
Counseling is another option.
Also, consider psychedelics or plant medicine. They show remarkable promise in helping people feel less fear and anxiety around dying.
I cannot imagine being at peace with the dying process and the death of my ego without them.
Please get in touch with an experienced death doula and therapist to get the most out of a psychedelic journey. We help seekers experience the benefits of psychedelics in a safer environment.
Knowing Myself
Who do you want to support you at the end of life? I routinely consider my options. I also talk to friends and family members about this sacred duty as I get older. Conversations help me determine who’s comfortable in that role and who might better serve in other roles.
I also understand this changes as life and circumstances change.
Normal aspects of the dying and grieving process can be intense, exhausting, and distressing. A dying person may feel a sense of desperation and so might the care team. Create an environment where you and your loved ones tackle these tender conversations and moments with grace, forgiveness, and love.
Continually reflect on your life.
Ponder the spiritual side of life and death. Do you have a higher power or spiritual guide? Get involved in a house of worship if that provides some sense of community. Most have support groups where members talk about and learn ways to cope with letting go.
Pre-Need Arrangements
Addressing the practical aspects of death, dying, and grief is an important part of my process. People often find it difficult to discuss end-of-life plans, living wills, and funeral arrangements. But these elements of the dying process should be discussed long before you need them.
"I hope to arrive to my death late, in love, and a little drunk." - Atticus
I have spoken openly with my loved ones about my preferences and then I’ve involved professionals. This includes accountants, funeral directors, lawyers, doctors, and other healthcare workers. They help to ensure my wishes will be honored.
While the documentation involved can be overwhelming, and the requirements will depend on where you live, many resources exist to get you started. After I made my plans, I felt reassured.
I now have what I need to make the process easier for me and my loved ones when the time comes.
Make This Your Experience and Own It
We won't all experience death in the same way. What's important to know is that many of the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of dying that feel distressing or confusing are normal.
Discuss your preferences for end-of-life care, set up a support network, and connect with a spiritual community. This empowers you to face death openly and honestly.
I have accepted death and dying long before it arrives. You can too.
Contact me today for a better death anytime.