How to Comfort the Dying

Your presence matters when someone is near the end of their life. Here are 10 ways you can make it count.

When a loved one enters into the “actively dying” phase, family and friends can feel lost. They often don’t know ways to comfort the dying. Or how to maneuver through this situation, simply because it’s a brand-new experience for them.

Our society doesn’t welcome thoughtful preparations around death and dying, and so we don’t know what to do when faced with this reality.

The Dying Process

For many people under my care, dying is peaceful. They don’t always recognize others and may lapse in and out of consciousness, but this isn’t cause for alarm or worry.

Some of my clients have phases where they wake periodically and talk. Their skin color changes because of slowing circulation, and their breathing patterns fluctuate as their bodies begin to slow down and ‘let go’ of life.

Others experience difficult deaths with terminal agitation, inadequate hospice care, challenging circumstances, and clinging behaviors.

Each person’s death is unique and individual, just as their life has been.

No matter the circumstances, dying people eventually slip into complete unconsciousness. After a while, we can no longer wake them, but they might still be able to hear or understand that there are people around them.

Care teams, family members, friends, and other loved ones who lean in with curiosity and compassion can greatly benefit a dying person. You do this by being present in the room, sitting with them, holding their hand, or speaking calmly and reassuringly.

This should not be underestimated. Even when your person does not respond, they can probably hear you.

Comforting Those At The End-of-Life

Part of my job is to convey how being with someone in their final days is a great privilege during a sacred time. Death doulas help loved ones feel more prepared and quickly get up to speed on the best ways to comfort the dying.

Here are some suggestions that might help you better support those in need.

1. Create a Loving Environment

Some people want peace and quiet, while others prefer to be surrounded by loving friends and family. Let’s find out what the person at the center of our care wants, and provide it.

Most of the time, we should avoid using loud voices and instead try to keep the volume low. Softly play music or other noises, beach sounds on television, for example, in the background.

Small water fountains or aromatherapy diffusers on the bedside table can be a comfort. I bring in potpourri, plants, and flowers, and place colorful pillows for loved ones to sit comfortably.

I also encourage visitors to turn off their phones.

2. Be Okay with Silence

While your dying person seems to be sleeping, they’re doing a lot of thinking and working through this experience. This inner work or life review can be exhausting as someone looks back over the entirety of their lived experience and lets go.

Sometimes the best thing to do is sit with them and not say a word.

When or if they open their eyes, smile at them. Let them feel your love and support. If you pray or meditate, incorporate that into your silence as well.

3. Speak Softly and Simply

Use simple messages with soft tones when speaking to someone who’s actively dying. Here are some examples:

• “I love you.”

• “You’ve lived a good life.”

• “It’s okay to go when you’re ready.”

• “I’ll remember you always.”

Just one or two, in a low and comforting tone of voice, is perfect.

4. Lower the Lights

Bright lights can annoy or disturb dying people. Therefore, turn off overhead lights and use small lamps in the corners of the room for any lighting needs. If they’re a candle person, get some unscented candles for the room. They can be quite peaceful and lovely.

Natural light can comfort the dying. If so, open blinds, curtains, or windows. Make sure they spend some time on their side if necessary to see outside when they open their eyes.

5. Support Spiritual Needs

If your loved one is still talking, allow them to reflect on their life, beliefs, values, or faith. Do not appear alarmed or judgmental. Ask about ways they want to be remembered or celebrated. Offer compassionate responses if they need to be forgiven or loved.

Provide space for this type of inquiry.

You can also ask if they want you to read something specific, like prayers or poems to soothe their soul during this time. Some songs, instrumental music, or religious traditions might also be appropriate.

Be unattached to any sort of answer, just do what they ask or provide a listening ear to whatever concerns they have. This is most helpful.

6. Touch Gently

Before you move or turn your loved one, softly tell them what’s happening. Be gentle. Hold your loved one’s hand or gently massage their fingers and toes as long as it seems soothing.

In the last few hours of life, stop touching so they can focus on dying rather than continue a connection to a physical realm they’re leaving.

7. Listen and Observe

The most important way to comfort the dying is to pay attention to their state of being. Listen and observe to know when they’re uncomfortable. Experienced hospice nurses and death doulas can help you be in tune with common, non-verbal forms of communication.

Use empathy and kindness to guide you as you gently change things (taking away a heavy blanket, for example) to help provide comfort.

8. Be Alert to Dehydration

When your loved one cannot talk, calmly and carefully watch them for signs of dehydration.

Our bodies dehydrate during the dying process, which can cause uncomfortable dryness. Use glycerin wipes, sponge straws, or flexible straws when sipping liquids, or ice chips when the ability to swallow is gone. This simple gesture makes all the difference in the world and is one of the best ways to comfort the dying.

9. Recognize When Death is Near

It’s not always easy to know when someone is about to die. Here are some familiar signs that death may be days or hours away. These include:

• Restlessness

• Confusion

• Lots of sleeping or drowsiness

• Agitation

• No longer eating or drinking

• Irregular breathing

• Pauses in breathing

• Coldness, swelling, or discoloration in the extremities

• Visions or conversations with someone who is already dead

• Gurgling or rattling sounds with breathing

Here are some common issues at this phase of dying, and ways you can provide comfort:

10. Keep Vigil

Sitting with someone in the last hours of life shows support and love. Continue to talk to your loved one, hold hands, and provide comfort in similar ways to the above suggestions. Invite other loved ones to sit with you or take turns so the care team feels rested.

Self-Care and Support

Caregivers, remember to take care of yourself. Only when you feel replenished can you fully support others. This means taking the time to sleep, eating regular meals, staying hydrated, venting, exercising, and taking breaks as needed.

Ask about hospice volunteers, rely on other loved ones, or hire a death doula - teamwork makes this time less stressful and more meaningful.

If you’d like support for these and other ways to comfort the dying, please contact me at Anitya Doula Services. I’m happy to help.