Sitting Shiva: A Guide

Here's what to do if you're planning a Shiva or attending one.

A few years ago, my family experienced a loss when my mother-in-law died. Since we’re Jewish, we began to prepare our home – and schedules – for a weeklong Shiva in her memory.

I converted to Judaism long ago, but this was the first time that we held Shiva in our home. Non-Jewish friends and my Irish-Catholic family members had no idea how to help. Even some of my Jewish relatives had no idea what to do.

So I created this Sitting Shiva Etiquette Guide. I hope it helps Gentiles, inexperienced Jews, and anyone who might find themselves in similar circumstances.

Shiva For Reform Jews

Most modern Jewish families like ours are not Orthodox. We do not follow strict protocols or rules surrounding the Shiva tradition. My husband, two sons, and I fall somewhere between the Reform and Conservative denominations – leaning more toward Reform.

Therefore, most Shiva Guides don’t really apply to us. Perhaps this article can be of service in that regard. Just keep in mind the lens through which it is written – mostly from a Reform perspective.

What is Sitting Shiva?

Sitting Shiva is a mourning period that lasts seven days. Someone who loses a parent, child, sibling, or spouse will sit Shiva for a week after the funeral or memorial service. They sit because they are tired and sad. They don’t play host or hostess during this time. Others take that role.

A “Shiva call” refers to those visiting a friend or family member who is sitting Shiva.

Shiva mourners stay home and receive visitors during a specific time. They announce said time either at the service, in obituaries, or on social media. This helps visitors know when to arrive on whatever day they want to make their Shiva call.

Family members sitting Shiva don’t work or go shopping. They tell stories. They laugh and cry together. Shiva callers provide comfort and solace.

Stopping the daily business of living to fully mourn a loved one’s passing is a healthy way to handle death. It encourages mindfulness and presence.

It also allows everyone a chance to honor the person who’s gone.

When a close relative dies, returning to life so quickly after the death might feel strange. Maybe even disrespectful. When we don’t fully mourn a loss, otherwise called interrupted grief, that loss grows stronger inside us. Therefore, meditating on this lifecycle event surrounded by loved ones helps us move through it.

It allows us to say with our actions that this important thing happened. We pause for a few days to acknowledge it.

Other Rituals

How to sit Shiva includes:

• Lighting a Yahrzeit candle after the funeral. This candle burns for seven days, throughout Shiva.

• Covering mirrors with black cloth. Some say this tradition is important because, while mourning, we shouldn’t be concerned with our appearance. Recently, a Jewish funeral director told me there’s another reason we do this. In Jewish folklore or mysticism, it's believed that spirits of the recently departed linger for that week among the living. If they pass by a mirror, they’d be alarmed not to see their reflection. So we cover mirrors to help them with the transition.

• Singing or chanting Hebrew prayers, such as the Mourner’s Kaddish. Most Shiva homes will have prayer books because, let’s be honest, these prayers are challenging to memorize. They contain translations so non-Jewish visitors can follow along. Prayers usually occur at the end of each day around dinnertime.

• Wearing Kriah ribbons. More traditional Jews rip their clothing when someone dies. A black Kriah ribbon has the same purpose, symbolically.

• More observant Jews might incorporate other traditions. For example, some might utilize special shiva chairs that are low to the ground. The mourners sit in the chairs while visitors serve them.

• Another more orthodox tradition is to not bathe or shower for that week.

• The observant also sits Shiva all day, every day, with a small break in the afternoon.

Can Non-Jews Host a Shiva?

No matter where I go, people debate this question about non-believers "borrowing" cultural or religious rituals. If you are not a Hindu but partake in yoga, or if you're not a Buddhist, but use beads to say the rosary - then you are borrowing cultural and religious rituals.

I believe we have much to learn from other people and have no problem with non-Jews taking a week off to mourn the loss of a loved one. Eat, comfort each other, and then return to the business of living. This need to make meaning is one of many things that unite us all.

After Shiva

On day seven, the bereaved take a walk together sometime before noon. This is a physical way of returning to life. Of course, we don’t automatically stop missing the person we’ve lost. This walk just tells us, and our neighbors, that the official mourning period is over.

Less observant Jews might consider a weeklong break a bit too indulgent. They sit Shiva for one or two nights only, feeling like that’s appropriate. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. It’s up to each individual family.

How to Make a Shiva Call

It’s easy. You visit during the time the family announces they are receiving visitors. And you bring food.

Seriously.

That’s it.

You show up with some grub, nosh a little, and sit with your friend who just experienced a sad loss. With this simple gesture, you provide comfort and love during a tough time. Kind of like a hero.

This is especially helpful if you can’t attend the funeral or memorial service. Multiple days of Shiva make giving personal condolences more convenient for those with busy schedules.

And you don’t have to stay the whole time. If a family lists Shiva from 4-8 pm each evening, show up around 6 pm and stay for an hour if that works best for you. Any visit is appreciated.

If you can’t make a Shiva call in person, send a food basket or frozen casserole. Mail a handwritten card of condolence. Call or text to check in during the week. Inquire about a remote option, like a video call one evening during the prayer portion.

Some people stay away from services and Shiva because they don’t know what to say. Click here for specific ideas about what to say, but the general rule is to say you’re sorry for the loss. Ask them about the person who’s died. And then just listen.

Don’t make mourners feel like they need to comfort you. Don’t talk about your own losses. The recently bereaved don’t need to hear how your Pop-Pop fought cancer for ten years. Or how your mother-in-law just dropped dead in the middle of a New Year’s Eve party. They’ve got enough going on.

To Comfort

Shiva etiquette is pretty basic, right? Making a Shiva call is a simple and wonderful way to support those enduring a loss. Be a mensch and give it a try. Contact me at Anitya Doula Services for support, guidance on how to sit Shiva, and other planning tools.