Sitting Vigil

Ease someone you care about into their death as peacefully as possible.

It isn’t always easy to witness an end-of-life transition. Death doulas sit vigil and help to create a peaceful and loving space for this sacred time.

You can, too.

Don't Just Do Something, Stand There

How do I hold space with someone at the very end of their life? By doing just that, sitting with someone quietly.

I have been doing this for years. But more than training or experience, sitting vigil requires me to trust myself to respond appropriately to anything that may happen. I let go of any expectations I may have for this person's experience, and stay open to whatever occurs.

I'm not trying to change or fix anything.

You can do this by leaning in, staying curious, and exploring one or more of the following options.

Take a Moment

Before walking into the room, center yourself.

When I do this, it helps me to mentally prepare for what’s ahead. I usually close my eyes. Then I breathe deeply and clear my mind. It may take a few seconds or a few minutes.

Take however long you need to relax and feel calm.

Open Yourself to the Unknown

Ask for guidance in whatever way feels right. A religious tradition you follow may provide the right words. This can be a prayer or mantra.

Do you find it helpful to ask your ancestors or a higher power to be with you?

If you meditate, set your intention. Keep that in the back of your mind. But remember to be open to whatever else you’re supposed to learn.

Center Someone Else

I remind myself that this isn’t my experience. I'm sitting vigil to support someone else through theirs.

You may find it best to shed any judgments, expectations, or agendas before you walk into the room.

Educate Yourself

Become familiar with ways our bodies slow down so that you won’t be alarmed by what’s normal, common, or natural.

Observe and Pay Attention

Stay focused on the dying person and their loved ones. Listen to those who need to feel heard. When I'm sitting vigil, I also pay attention to non-verbal cues if my client can’t talk or communicate during this tough time.

Listen to yourself, too. Just listen.

"So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me, because I, too, am fluent in silence."

R. Arnold

Embrace Silence

Sit still and do nothing. Remember to breathe.

I do not tell stories about how others did this or give opinions unless asked. Most of my clients understand the peace that silence can bring.

If loved ones aren't comfortable staying quiet, I often encourage them to run errands, tidy the home, attend to the garden, or cook for the care team. Not everyone needs to be in the room to be helpful.

Follow the Vigil Plan

If my client has made their end-of-life wishes known, I abide by those directives. This can include reading prayers, poems, or books out loud at the end. Playing soft music in the background. Lighting candles or incense.

Whatever they said they wanted at this time, I make that happen. This space is their haven.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Dying people sleep most of the time. They might not acknowledge your presence or appear happy to see you while you're sitting vigil. They may not even be aware that you’re in the room.

This is natural and does not indicate anything other than death is near.

Keep Yourself Centered with Love

Sitting with a dying person and keeping love in your heart is so important. Know that you are enough. Just you, loving someone through this.

Empathize

Respond to sorrow with “That sounds hard” or “Can you tell me more.” Sometimes just looking someone in the eyes and nodding is enough. Ask if they want you to hold their hand.

Look beyond the physical deterioration to see your person's humanity and exhibit compassion.

Remember the “Ring Theory”

Comfort in…dump out. Talk about your feelings or vent with people removed from this experience. Do not unload on anyone in that room or fellow vigil sitters.

Care for Yourself

Take breaks. We’re not helping anyone if we’re not caring for ourselves first. Eat healthy meals and drink plenty of water.

Re-charge your batteries by getting outside for a few minutes to breathe or take a walk.

Dying people sometimes wait until they are alone for a few moments, and then quietly slip away. This is okay. Give them some space in case this is what they need, even if you just go into another room for a few moments.

Keep it Positive

We believe that “hearing” is the last sense to go. Since a dying person can often hear what you’re saying, talk to them about happy memories. Tell them you love them. Give them permission to leave if that feels right.

If you want to talk to the nurse or have technical questions for your death doula, try to discuss those in another room.

Show Up Without Judgment

Anticipatory grief happens before death occurs and can look different for everyone. Let loved ones grieve in a way that feels right for them. Honor yourself and others with grace and acceptance.

Walking Them Home

When sitting vigil with a dying person, I am companioning them as they pass away. It helps to remind myself that this is their journey. Their experience.

It isn’t easy, but you can provide so much comfort just by sitting silently with someone in need. You may think, “I can’t do this.”

You can.

I’ll show you how. Reach out to me at Anitya Doula Services today.