Writing a Eulogy

Celebrate the individual and comfort grieving loved ones.

A eulogy is a written tribute usually delivered at funerals or memorial services. It honors the life of someone who has passed away. Friends, family members, or other individuals close to the deceased share memories and reflections about the person's life.

Not every death doula writes eulogies. But since I come at this work with over fifteen years of experience writing columns for a variety of newspapers and magazines – people often hire me to write these statements of praise.

It’s one of my favorite ways to serve others.

Eulogies vary widely in tone and content, depending on cultural, religious, and personal preferences. Some of my eulogies humorously recount my client’s achievements and contributions. Others may emphasize more solemn narratives and the qualities that made someone unique.

My primary goal is to provide a meaningful homage capturing the essence of the remembered person.

Who Delivers a Eulogy?

Celebrants, family members, or someone with a significant connection to the deceased usually deliver the eulogy. In some cases, multiple individuals may speak, sharing different perspectives.

Writing and delivering a eulogy can be a challenging but important part of the grieving process, allowing loved ones to verbalize their affection for the person they’ve lost.

Differences Between Obituary and Eulogy

While both obituaries and eulogies memorialize someone who has passed away, they serve different purposes.

Obituary

An obituary is a formal announcement of a person's death. Its primary purpose is to inform the public and provide essential details.

Obituaries typically include factual information such as the person's name, age, date and place of birth, date and place of death, surviving family members, and specifics about the funeral or memorial service.

Clients often ask me to write obituaries, too. I write them straightforwardly and objectively with some gentle humor if appropriate. (I’ve even written mine…and it’s hilarious.)

Newspapers, online platforms, or other media publish them.

Eulogy

A eulogy is a more emotional speech given during any kind of remembrance ceremony. Its purpose is to celebrate the life of the deceased, share memories, and offer comfort to the grieving attendees.

Eulogies provide a more intimate view.

While they are delivered orally by a speaker during a service, sometimes written versions may be distributed or published. Eulogies are generally more expressive and may include a mix of emotions, such as humor, sadness, and gratitude.

History of the Eulogy

The concept of honoring the deceased with spoken words dates back to ancient Greece and Rome. People read them at formal funeral ceremonies as well as public events.

With the spread of Christianity, eulogies took on a more spiritual tone. Clergy read them during processions, at the graveside, or in churches, synagogues, temples, and mosques.

In modern times, eulogies have continued to evolve.

Eulogies are now delivered by a variety of individuals, not just religious leaders. Anecdotes, stories, and a more informal tone have become common elements as people seek to create a more heartfelt honoring.

Eulogies play a significant role in my clients’ memorial services – and even living funerals – across various cultures and religions.

How I Write a Eulogy

Writing someone else's eulogy is a significant responsibility and can be a deeply emotional task. Here are some guidelines I use when writing one for a client.

Gather Information

I collect information about the person's life, being as comprehensive as possible. Speaking with people who knew them helps me to gather a more complete understanding of the person.

Consider the Tone

I determine the appropriate tone for the eulogy by considering the temperament and outlook of the person and the atmosphere we want to create at the funeral. My tone can be reflective, celebratory, or a combination of both.

Structure the Eulogy

I organize the eulogy in a way that flows naturally, choosing a chronological structure, highlighting different stages of the person's life, or a thematic structure that focuses on specific aspects such as relationships or values.

Introduction

You want to begin with a warm and sincere introduction. I typically start by acknowledging the grief in the room and expressing gratitude for everyone's presence. I use anecdotes to illustrate the person's character, passions, and impact on others. These stories help make the eulogy more relatable.

Important Details

Sometimes it’s best to acknowledge the person's cultural background. This could include milestones, faith, hobbies, or the role they played in their community.

You might want to emphasize the person's relationships. Sometimes I’m hired to write eulogies from a specific point of view. I highlight their qualities as a friend, parent, spouse, or colleague.

This includes mentioning specific moments that showcase their love, generosity, or support.

Emotional

The best eulogies take a moment to express gratitude for the time we had with the person and the way they cared for those around them.

It's okay to express emotions.

Share the joy, laughter, and love the person brought into the world. It's also acceptable to acknowledge the sadness felt by those in attendance.

Conclusion

I conclude the eulogy with a heartfelt closing that reinforces the person's legacy, leaving the audience with a message of inspiration.

Practice

If I’m delivering the eulogy, I always practice saying it ahead of time. This also helps me to revise and edit as needed, keeping in mind the sensitivities of the audience.

An Honorable Art

I often think it’s a shame that people don’t hear the eulogies said at their funerals. One of the blessings of an expected death is telling someone how important they are before they’re gone.

Sometimes that can be hard to say out loud off the top of your head. Writing it down is sometimes a bit easier. Then you can share it with someone while they're still alive by reading it or giving them a copy to look over privately.

This makes the last few days or weeks more meaningful.

Remember that writing a eulogy is an opportunity to share someone’s story and create a lasting memory for those who knew them. You can’t go wrong if you approach the task with empathy and sincerity for the person and their loved ones.